Is being alone Loneliness?

Is being alone a kind of loneliness? I wonder! Sometimes when the harsh winter weather creeps in from the window and you are all alone in vast room sipping coffee alone, it doesn’t seem to make any sense.  When your kitchen is so silent and there is only the sound of the bubbles from the rice cooker and the frying pan accompanying you, it doesn’t feel to be well at all. When you have to go to bed and the torturous nightmares are only your companion, it doesn’t feel right you know. And again in the early morning when you have to wake up and repeat the whole process of the day, it doesn’t feel completed. Something seems to be missing. So does this mean being alone is but Loneliness?

Life is really a labyrinth you know; it’s hard to understand or tune in and adjust yourself with. When one faces you, there is back of the other; why can’t we have both at the same instant? When you don’t have, you try so hard to have it and when you get it, with time it just becomes a satiated toy which you don’t want to go for it again. And by the time you urge for it again, it is either lost somewhere or the situation is not always favorable. And this leaves you behind wondering with regret if you have even done it right.   Even the music which was your favorite and most pleasing becomes a noise after all with the passing of time; such is the nature of so-called insatiable life.

Mondays and Tuesdays are my off days, and I have just started reading the Autobiography of Dalai Lama which was my perfect time pass. But otherwise I really don’t know how to pass my time. Suggest me some good books friends so as to fill the gap of being alone which I don’t want it to become Loneliness.

Have a good day friends…

My New House- My New World

It is just over a week that I stayed myself separately and it feels light and different! I have been staying with a cousin brother ever since I graduated. I have also been searching for suitable rent for some time and finally I have got and it does feel great to have one’s own apartment to live in. If we are not from the capital and we have no close relatives and siblings especially in Thimphu, it is very hard to survive you know. I hail from the very remote jungle and I don’t have any real siblings here in Thimphu or any other urban areas but luckily I have my first cousins who have helped me since twelve standards and I owe them a lot.

But still it is not always easy. As a student or a job seeker, having to live with relatives during vacation or after the completion of your studies is hard. There are instances where we have to often pretend and even lie out of guilt. We have no option but to live in fear at the cost of compromises and adjustments. Anyone can be a guest only for the first day and the next day we are but pest! We begin to encounter fake smiles at the faces of host as the duration of our stay increases. A friend of mine who was recently employed with me has lot to say about this kind of situations, about the guilt and uneasiness one feels at other’s home. The most interesting thing was about the meals.  “Omara charo faii ga zawa” (Just ate in friend’s house) used to be his common sentence most of the time whenever he was offered with meals and had to remain empty stomach. I am sure most who traced the same path would agree with him on this which I am one of them.

Having a rent, a house yourself means that you have more freedom, freedom of choice, freedom to your mind and body. There is no guilt or pretense. You can have meals whenever and whatever you like. You can go to bed or wake up as you wish with alarm clocks off in off days. You have all the freedom to decide yourself; whether to come home early or late night or hang out with your closed buddies. There is no tether that pulls in whenever you are at the rim of certain circumference.

 Of course it isn’t an easy task to set up alone at the beginning.

Weird thoughts about the Work

Come twenty this month and I am three months old as a Trainee Engineer at Drukair Corporation Limited. So much has happened within this very short span of time. Some are so funny, some are really serious and reflective, some are saddening and some so hard-to- digest. Yes the first pay is exciting, it means that you are independent and everything must be managed of your own henceforth. With this there come so many expectations from both within and outside, so many compromises and adjustments. Lines of to-do comes at the door of your mind and when you can’t fulfill, you become frustrated, impatient and a complain boy! The worst is when your friends, the same class mates with same qualifications, placed at hydro power projects compares their salary with yours. This is too much you know. Such is the difference made by some mere difference in the path one takes. Perhaps it all boils down to how one is made to lead and live so called life.

Every colleague of mine would agree with me that the most peculiar thing about our work is the timing. Early in the morning when even the cock hasn’t crowed, when even the dogs at the corridor or some corners are into its sound sleep; we have to wake up and get ready. I don’t dare call that I am an office goer when people say if you are at the office?And in the evening most of the time it is only after the dusk that we unlock the doors of our room. At times we have to go to the bed starved out of the tiredness and it is especially hard for bachelors like me. That’s why I sleep early to wake early and it’s interesting to note that even the sleep has known the schedules of my work. And with the start of chilly winter season, having to battle with the cold early in the morning and late evening, sometimes I am often taken aback with regrets and remorse as to why did I even choose this profession after all?

The working environment isn’t that bad; the seniors and colleagues are all cordial who are ever ready to assist and lend their helping hand. Some in particular are so encouraging who in every possible ways show us to move forward but it really hurts when there are only underestimations, blames and no motivations which often I experience. It is embarrassing when people make fun of the degree certificate to the lack of practical knowledge. Yes we do lack the practical knowledge and we have and will never hide about it. That is why we take all the enthusiasm and interest to learn no matter what, but why not at least appreciate our frankness of our lacking? We don’t boast of our B-Tech certificate; no never! Of course everybody has ego and it is disheartening to experience like a small kid being scolded for his/her carelessness. We are all class PP students for now and proper guidance and motivation is all we need.  Who doesn’t make mistakes after all?

But then these are again the reality of any work and organization. When I am reminded of the competition we have at the Job market, when I think of those unemployed individuals whom once we walked together along the streets, I do derive some kind of inspiration and motivation to get going with whatever is on my way.It makes me feel secured and realize that instead of complaining it is time to appreciate and make the best out of it. A good friend of mine once replied me the following in the Facebook chat when I said that work is often boring and frustrating:  ‘Not having work would be more frustrating’ and I think he is very true.

Because at the end of day, it is after all my bread and butter, it is what I make living out of it and I have to adjust and love what I do.  Any way it’s just the weird thoughts that hovers me around under the cozy blankets battling to get some sleep.