Tuesday, 21 August 2012

A sense of Dejavu!!

from Google.
Sometimes I hate myself for who I am. Because every now and then I wonder why I am trapped into that noose of embarrassment and insecurity. The more we are aged, the more humble and wise we are to become but for me, I just feel the opposite! After living for twenty three years, I still wonder if I have someone whom I can rely upon recklessly. Does this mean I am so mean and different? Or is it something like I can never be a good human being?  Every new day I try to evaluate my self that the coming day is but best for making my self  a better human being and a better day but it has not always seemed fruitful.

There was always one quality which I wanted to develop so direly since nursery  and still I feel I haven't acquired that quality- Confidence. I was so embarrassed when a Professor of the college told me: " You are talking as if a timid first year, talk confidently like you are really a final year student. Be confident" Why do I stammer the moment I begin to talk? Why do the fear engulfs me the moment a word comes off my lips?

It isn't the first time that I felt so insecure of myself especially with regards to that temporal but necessary stuffs of life which seems to rule this very life. May be that is the ruthless confrontation ever, a student of any kind  could face in his life; how ever the fact doesn't really compromise anything with another fact: 'one's own reality'. Rather it is but a blow to someone less fortunate and there is when life seems unfair!! Anyway Some how I have always managed with the assistance of good surrounding friends and that is what makes me proud. That does not however dilute the mere fact of my own perceptions; Yes at times I also wish if I had my own blood brother and sister in that par where they are able to foresee, whom I can rely up on without any hesitation,  whom I can have all the conversations without any bars. And the worst part of all these is a kind of 'envy' that eventually rolls over me, and that is really bad though.

Life isn't just a bread and butter- a regular make-eat stuff. It is very much more than that! It is so precious and precarious as well and we are reminded of it's preciousness only at times of crisis, at times of sickness, most commonly when something unexpected and undesirable thing happens to us. I was just reminded of how much value this life has and how much it is important to be reminded of that. Even a minor sickness like a disorder with you body system, a bit of uneasiness makes us think of life in the past; how we have spent and what could have possibly done in that span of time.By the time we are bedridden, which is never predictable it seems so late! It is only with the regrets that will hover our heads.

I often wondered if I have any purpose in my life, but now the bigger question that hovers my head is if I can really be able to know that purpose and if at all will I be able to serve it well? That is what I ask every evening I go to bed and every morning when the rays of morning sun welcomes me, and what my instinct tells me is: " Life is to move on no matter what". Then a smile takes away all that insecurities, fears and frustrations, embarrassments and sadness for a moment and that is what keeps me going along with others in this journey so called "LIFE"